whenever i am convinced i need to read awful, terrible poetry, i read craigslist. missedconnections usually has the worst stuff and the most blatantly depressing weirdos and crazy people.
i like encountering weirdos and crazy people on-line because you don’t have to also smell them or listen longer than your piqued curiosity. (crazy weirdos do tend to ramble…)
anyway, i was getting drunk and reading bad poetry on craigslist and decided to contribute to the awful-ness.
saw this ad from someone:
“miss your sparkling eyes
and your grin
as you disappear
you make me giddy
which way should i go?”
i posted a response to it thusly:
“Never a kitten, never a cat
Puppy-dog, hang-dog, good-dog, or stinky bad
wet dog, or hurt dog with big eyes sad
You look for a rake, who won’t come slinking back
these dogs never smile, unless they bare teeth
and always a dog, madame, and always a thief”
which is bad poetry. bad poetry i cranked out in like two drunken minutes just to mess with people. a thousand lonely hearts jumped up at the thought that i may be referring to them. the vague, passive-aggressive world of whiffed eye contact communicated through initials is just too much fun to laugh at.
anyway, i doubt the response was written by the same person because this time the writing got clunkier and they misspelled a few things, but this is the response to me posted:
“loyal theif who stole my soul
i should have asked for your help
in your character you are better than this
ask me back
my good sir, my best friend
my chesire cat”
Oh, you know I had to respond to that. I mean, What the heck was that? Was that a poem? Man. Wow. What are these “theif” things and why are they loyal? Ask you back? You know I’m not real and I’m just the bastard messing with people on a massive message board because it’s WAY more fun than cleaning my floors.
So, I post my response. No matter what happens now, I’m walking away from this. I mean, seriously, there could be some person out there hoping that their ad got to the right person in the universe, and that person just happened to write back in brilliant, gripping (*cough* crappy bullshit *cough*) lyric!
“RE:Re:RE: Cheshire Cat”
“be wary of teeth that linger in your head
longer than the dog in the bed
lest the tooth fairy reach beneath your head
finding nothing there, reach for your teeth instead
it isn’t the dog that’s stolen your heartbeat
it’s yourself like reverse cheshire, all flesh, no teeth.”
don’t hate me because i’m evil. love me because i’m evil and you like to watch, too.