Monthly Archives: November 2007

only a moment to spare

I only have one moment to spare before trudging off to work until late in the night.

I recently got wind of my very first review for LAST DRAGON. I won’t tell you who, or where, but I am very, very pleased that this individual thought so highly of the book.

In April, 2008, you can read the review for yourself, if Wizards of the Coast doesn’t plaster it all over the actual book before then.

If this particular phantom reviewer recommends the book, I assure you that you also should investigate LAST DRAGON for yourself.

Oh, and “New Myths” is live with “Man in the Mountain”! Click on the link to the right under “places to go, people to see”.

hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go.

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met this girl once

I knew L__ had beautiful wings underneath her clothes, but she never showed them to me. “If I take my wings out, I’ll fly just fly away,” she said. We were on the front porch of her parent’s house in east Dallas. We were alone there, with the streetlamps behind us and the weather-beaten bric-a-brac her father had put all over the porch. Her parents had a tacky front porch.
I ran my hands through her black hair. “Are they feathered wings?” I asked.
“Of course they are,” she said, “What do you think I have, batwings?”
“Are the feathers white?”
“I’m Mexican. Why the fuck would I have white wings?”
“Because you’re an angel,” I said. I touched the side of her face even though she was scowling at me. “You’re so beautiful.”
“Only white people make white wings,” she said, “I’m no fucking angel, J__. And I don’t have white wings. Leave my wings out of this. I don’t want to talk about them.”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Not if you have to ask,” she said, “Good night, J__.”

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six shots and the fire alarm

-i’m just sayin’ if it takes six shots to kill someone, i’m probably already dead.
-yeah. naw, the fire alarm wasn’t going off, now. the fire alarm wasn’t going off.
-right, the light going off.
-i’m just sayin’ the light came on and stayed steady. didn’t make no noise, just came on. first time i ever seen it.
-right, the light going off. you hear me when i’m sayin’ that if it takes six shots to kill someone, i’m probably already dead.
-i hear ya.

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imprtant things to count down

1) New Myths will post one of my stories in 3 days.

2) my birthday is twenty days away.

3) christmas is 28 days away.

4) Coyote Wild Magazine posts one of my stories in 34 days.

5) LAST DRAGON launches in 65 days.

everybody count down!

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on the bathing of cats

you know, you don’t actually have to put the cats in the water. if you get the cats close to the water, they thrash around so much that they pretty much bathe themselves.

oh, be sure to wear long sleeves when you bathe a cat. and, don’t let them get anywhere near your face.

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“Portrait of a Woman, probably of the Lloyd family” – Thomas Gainesborough

(clickme for explanatory imagery from the Kimbell Art Museum website.)

I have decided, Mr. Gainesborough, that portraiture is too shameful an act for a woman such as myself.

I am no vain diplomat’s wife, no lord or lady with more titles than sense. I am afraid, Mr. Gainesborough, that I must insist that you do not paint me at all, no matter what you say about the immortality of my beauty.

This condemnation of your chosen art form by myself is harsh, I know. Yet, it is not every painting or painter that I find shameful and vain. For instance, landscape painting is a noble thing indeed, and I want to personally encourage you, my dear friend, to pursue that artform. I find great comfort in the gardens of summer when winter is dark, and the paintings in my father’s study grant me that window into the seasons of warmth. Brave adventurers wander to foreign shores and capture the images of our great empire.

As your dear friend, I want to encourage you to pursue landscape painting.

The most beautiful place in the world that I know is a small river near my father’s lands. I sit there in the summer evenings and watch the sun fall down behind the trees. I would love to see your brilliant brush touch this scene.

As someone of talent, I have spent time with canvas and brush myself. I would consider it a personal favor if you came to my little stream and let me watch your masterful strokes.

Mr. Gainesborough, I would be greatly offended if a great painter such as yourself did not come to the most perfect spot in all of England, to preserve the summer sunset for posterity. I so desire to carry that beautiful warmth with me into all the winters of life.

I, however, could never consent to a portrait of myself. I will just sit next to you. I will certainly smile. Certainly, watching you work will be a great joy to me.

Your Dearest Friend,

A____ L____

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about nanowrimo

have you heard of this thing, nanowrimo? it’s “national novel writing month” in november.

everyone participating sits down and cranks out a novel in one month. it’s probably not a very good novel because it was written very quickly with minimal editing. after a couple months of editing it might be good, or it might never be good enough.

regardless, lots of people participate.

i think, however, that december ought to have a special little gimmick, too.

december ought to be national read-as-many-novels-as-you-can month. (NaReAMaNoAYoCaMo?)

nothing will help your editing of your novel like spending a month digging in deep with novel after novel after novel.

who can read three every week?

spread the word. let’s make busy, stressful december the month with the most reading. with the wga strike, it’s not like there’s going to be anything worth watching on tv, anyway.

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black friday

this black friday, we must remember where the day’s name originates.

the mad, awful elder gods dreamed of a holiday to celebrate their corpulance. they spread a tentacle into the minds of the evil marketing department of the evil coca-cola company to depict a creature so terrible, yet so lovable.

its beard is full of white twisting tentacles. its serpentine belly is shrouded in baleful red. its horrible, rollicking laughter is reserved for those times when it slips into homes in secret, and infests the children.

families, in their terror, leave offerings of milk and cookies, but they are no respite from the growing doom.

the silhouette of santa claus and cthulu is exactly the same, my friend. listen! you know this to be true!

our children are being corrupted! and we embrace the doom of the elder gods with smiles!

we go to the store, and exchange gifts with each other and run up credit cards as if this year – on January 1st – the new year will not come. we live like hedons in the last waning hours of the world before the new ones emerge from the ocean as the stars align.

jingle bells – if you listen very close – played backwards creates those awful, alien sounds that no human tongue can replicate.

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”

black friday comes. the black void comes, too.

edit to add: i have located the true words of false christmas carols:

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this thanksgiving, for your feast

instead of eating some poor, dead turkey, try any of these fine main course selections instead:

exotic cactus-based salad
extra-special potatoes
spicy sweet replacement for your yams
special bread
hearty main course

and, let us not forget, a nice, patriotic pumpkin pie

remember: beer before liquor, never been sicker. liquor before beer, in the clear.

happy thanksgiving, everybody!

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important fact for thanksgiving celebration with vegetarians

I have deduced, after nine years of careful and extensive research, that no brand of tofu-based turkey replacement (a.k.a. “tofurkey”) is edible.

Unless you enjoy the flavor of shoe leather, used chewing gum, and paste, do not attempt to eat any tofurkey.

If you plan on serving something to vegan or vegeatarian guests this holiday, I urge you not to serve them tofurkey.

tofurkey is very, very gross.

except, of course, the tofurkey that YOU served me that one thanksgiving. Mm, that was tasty. No, no I’m talking about all the other tofurkey I had that I had to politely stomach and pretend to like. Your tofurkey was excellent.

Also, and this is completely unrelated but very important nonetheless:

Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you, and without your love and support, I would either not exist, or I would be living under a bridge living off discarded tofurkeys.

Everybody wish my mom a happy birthday, or else I’ll feed you tofurkey!

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