I have deduced, after nine years of careful and extensive research, that no brand of tofu-based turkey replacement (a.k.a. “tofurkey”) is edible.
Unless you enjoy the flavor of shoe leather, used chewing gum, and paste, do not attempt to eat any tofurkey.
If you plan on serving something to vegan or vegeatarian guests this holiday, I urge you not to serve them tofurkey.
tofurkey is very, very gross.
except, of course, the tofurkey that YOU served me that one thanksgiving. Mm, that was tasty. No, no I’m talking about all the other tofurkey I had that I had to politely stomach and pretend to like. Your tofurkey was excellent.
Also, and this is completely unrelated but very important nonetheless:
Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you, and without your love and support, I would either not exist, or I would be living under a bridge living off discarded tofurkeys.
Everybody wish my mom a happy birthday, or else I’ll feed you tofurkey!