Monthly Archives: November 2008

I’ll be going hunting…

In the morning, I shall be crawling among the rushes of a nearby golf course, setting traps with Horatio the Mute for my latest addition to the menagerie.

For this particular beast, I have designed floating traps that look much like lily pads. When an animal lands upon the lily that triggers the particular foodstuff mechanism, the lily petals curl shut, trapping the creature.

My bait? Pickles wrapped in bad haiku.

tomorrow i go
hunting hunting for bad poetry bats
that eat pickled verse

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the prodigal spider returneth!

Successfully did we track and locate the escaped Snaggletooth Spider! It was drunk on toothpaste, all lost and out of sorts, in the back of the medicine cabinet.

At last, I can return to sleeping in my bed, secure in knowing that the spider remains once again in its cage.

Dimble seems pleased as punch. Biter is biting at the cage. Cave Squirrels eat cave spiders in the wild. We may have to invest in a cave squirrel muzzle for little Biter, lest he actually work through the cage’s barriers.

Horatio the Mute only lost two teeth, and both of them relatively inconsequential middle molars. We are glad to have our little snaggletooth spider back in his cage.

My neighbors will be pleased to see me sleeping inside for a change.

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Cave Squirrel

In Brazil, in the rainforest, deep caves form where the water run-off seeps into the geology. Caves form there, and the lush jungle spreads its wealth of life down into the earth, as well.

The Brazilian Cave Squirrel likely evolved out of the squirrel’s habit of burying food for winter. In the tropical rainforest, there is no winter. Still, the tendency remains. The squirrel furiously digs and digs, hunting for grubs and nuts and fruits that have fallen to the thick layer of leaves. Eventually this squirrel likely discovered the entrances to a large cave complex, and slipped inside, where no hawks or ocelots hunt for meat.

These squirrels have evolved for their caves. Their fingers are very sensitive to touch, and their eyes are gigantic and black to soak up all remnants of light. Many are born blind, but it doesn’t seem to bother them. The cave squirrels tails are even poofier, to give them something to feel with. The cave squirrels dig deep into the ground after insects and cave fish and any nuts or fruits that slip through the water into the deep darkness.

They swim fluidly, unlike most squirrels. The cave squirrel swim like otters, and have the thicker fur similar to an otter.

Natives prized them for their luscious pelts.

Horatio the Mute’s Brazilian contact from the circus days, El Lemure, managed to save one from the illegal endangered animal markets in the seedy underbelly of Rio de Janeiro.

The light-sensitive squirrel hides in the darkness of the closet, hissing furiously at anyone that gets too close. If you come over, watch out for dark corners. If you brush up against something furry in a gloom, it just might spin ad bite you.

The post-traumatic stress disorder from being wrenched from the caves, tossed into the unwholesome black market, and then shipped around the world, has permanently damaged this little cave squirrel’s little brain.

Biter only lets Horatio the Mute near him, to feed him tiny crickets and Brazilian nuts. They make quite a duo, in my closet, sleeping curled up together on a pile of old towels.

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Horatio the Mute assures me…

Horatio the Mute assures me he will catch the escaped Snaggletooth Spider soon. He has laced his own mouth with traps. He sleeps with his jaw open, and various dental aromas smeared all over his body.

In the mean time, I sleep on the porch stoop, for I need my teeth in full health.

It’s quite cold outside. I need a very warm blanket, and ear muffs.

My neighbors have no idea what’s going on, and I don’t want to tell them. I’d hate for some zoning laws to fine me for my odd bestiary.

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Phillipine Speculative Fiction!

A young, energetic SF community of writers is on the rise in the Philippines right now. Another example is viewable here in an on-line anthology of Philippine Speculative Fiction edited by the much-esteemed Charles A Tan, a.k.a. Bibliophile Stalker, and Mia Tijam.

Check it out!

http://philippinespeculativefiction.com/

Dean Francis Alfar’s entry exceptional, among some very strong stories.

I hope they do this again.

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The Sterling Yergacheffe

Whilst scribbling and sipping coffee at my favorite area cafe, (Eurotazza, linked somewhere on the right), I encountered a mysterious creature sneaking around the dirty dish bin. It was shaped somewhat like a hedgehog, though it’s back was not bristling in the slightest. It was covered in silvery fur that bristled like the hands of a scrub brush.

The shimmery creature has a face similar to an armadillo, though it is much smaller, and more pug.

What was this creature doing in the dirty dish bin?

Simple: it was seeking out it’s natural prey. The Sterling Yergacheffe lives upon the crumbs of teatime in its native London. It licks them up like an anteater after termites. It sips coffee and tea.

You can tell which beverage the Yergacheffe prefers by the color of its back. Burgundy Yergacheffe drink various and diverse drops of old tea – even breaking into used tea bags and eating individual leaves. The Sterling Yergacheffe – my discovery – prefers milkfoam of old cappucinos and empty latte cups and bits of creamy whipped topping in the remains of mochas and sweeted confectionary beverages.

I scooped up the Sterling Yergacheffe in an empty cup of coffee. I popped a lid on the cup quickly, lest anyone see my rare discovery.

I immediately took the creature to Horatio the Mute. Horatio had never encountered such a creature before, and I had to illuminate him on the proper method of feeding and care.

Firstly, Yergacheffes are napping creatures, that prefer to roll onto their backs and sleep the day away. They awake in the afternoons for tea time. They eat and drink their way through the dirty dishes. Then, they like to go for walks among hills and moors. At night, they like to go fishing in the dark for tadpoles and minnows that they don’t eat. They merely catch them, and play with them a while, and throw them back harmlessly.

I don’t know what we’ll do about the lack of hills and moors in Fort Worth. Frankly, I don’t even know how this London native tumbled into the dish bin at Eurotazza.

We’ve named him Dimble, and shall feed him chocolate cookies for dinner and espresso beverages for dessert. Horatio will take him to the stream near here, that he may play in the water.

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this song is stuck in my head for two days and counting…

It’s like walking with the ghost.

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Snaggletooth Spider

I have acquired an exquisitely rare specimin from the wild jungles in the vicinity of Bagombo.

It came in a box shaped like a banana, to fool the nosy postal inspectors who would never investigate something as harmless as a banana. They are fortunate they did not jut their nosy noses into the little, banana-shaped box. The snaggletooth spider would have crawled right up their nose, and remain in hiding until nightfall, when the spider will crawl into the open mouth and commence a feast upon incisors, molars, and any other kind of dentition.

The only way to protect yourself from a snaggletooth spider is to blow your nose very hard before going to bed, when it in on the loose. Be careful not to sneeze. They are actually very small, delicate arachnids, with gorgeous mottled carapaces of green, purple, and red. They could not survive landing in a palm after a hard sneeze.

Fortunately, Horatio the Mute has a lovely little, banana-shaped cage for the spider, and a vast collection of abandoned dentition from his career in the circus, where he scrubbed the back of the carnival freak that grew countless teeth from his spine, and lost them as he grew more and more.

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I’m collecting something…

I have decided to collect imaginary animals. I will be keeping them in my closet, and feeding them whatever they require, and depending on my resident imaginary zookeeper Horatio the Mute to clean up after them and care for them.

Horatio the Mute is seven feet tall and a retired circus strongman. He is quite capable of caring for any sort of creature that shows up. Also, he is not actually a mute. He merely prefers not to speak unless absolutely necessary. Thus, if I find any Dovetailed Toadbirds – that eat only music, lapping the notes from the air like floating insects with their toad-like tongues and swooping and swirling around the notes as if dancing to the silence they create – Horatio the Mute will be perfectly capable of humming the circus music of his youth, feeding them.

Thus, I shall start my collection of imaginary animals. What do you think I should add to my collection?

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if this is real…

Dear God,

Please let this be real, and not a fluke, and available to everyone in the developing worlds who so desperately need this.

http://www.efluxmedia.com/news_Breakthrough_In_Medicine_Bone_Marrow_Transplant_May_Cure_HIV_28835.html

Your Pal,

Joe

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