everyone, everywhere in the whole internet is talking about YOU

You heard me right, kits and cats. Everyone in the entire internet is talking about you, all the time. You are totally justified in vanity googling all night long, checking Facebook feeds for veiled references to your activities. People are talking about you all the time.

So, that’s why you have to constantly check. Google alerts isn’t fast enough. You know that only happens as it works its way through the system of spiders and algorithms that lead to your door. You cannot check just your name, because if people are really talking about you, it’s in code. I mean, when they’re really, really telling the truth, they use coded language. So, you have to search around their code. Look at the edges of things where you think people you know might be referencing you. Like, how, if they say they went to get coffee today, and there was this really smelly person in line with them? You know how everyone laughs at that and agrees at how awful it was? Well, they weren’t there. Ergo, they cannot agree with how awful it was. Ergo, it must be THE CODE.

Facebook must be in on it. You know how they carefully filter the news feed, these days, always adjusting what shows and when. Well, that is because they’re in on it, too. They’re conspiring with the people you think are your friends. This is why have to check constantly, and also click through to the actual pages of your friends to find out what messages are excluding you. If you’re really good, you’ll notice the codes all over the place.

Then, you need to check on google. But, not just google. Bing, too. And Alta-Vista. And maybe even AOL search. Because the information all about you is hidden everywhere if you can only look fast enough, hard enough. Then, you might find it. Maybe. Because search engines are only as good as their algorithms, and even these could easily by gamed by some trick or code or SEA marketing wizardry to exclude the things one would think when searching for your name.

But search only knows what the spiders find out there. There’s stuff you can only find by really looking. Try to deduce from what you know about people to see if you can figure out what message board they might hang out at. See if you can deduce what their secret twitter identity might be. Because that’s the only way to find out what they’re saying about you.

Also, there’s parties that happen without you. You are not being invited to awesome parties where people go and leave you behind because you are just not up to date with all the reasons why people hate you. If only you could search

Keep looking. Keep searching. I’m telling you, it’s everywhere if you just adjust your own method ahead of the people who are out to get you.

Or, don’t believe me. Don’t believe me, and stop worrying about what google results pop in when you search for your name. Turn off your “google alerts” and only check your facebook page when you want to contribute to someone else, instead of just trolling the newsline for hints that something awesome is happening without you, or even at your expense!

I mean, if you’re so insecure that you have to check everything all the time, and search for everything all the time, there must be some truth to it. That you can’t really find anything doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means that your instincts are right: The system is publicly taunting you and laughing about how you don’t even SEE what people are saying about YOU!

(Also, I think I’m going to be off-line for a few days, at least. I’m feeling internet burn-out. Peace out, party people, and GET OFF THE INTERNET! I’ll meet you in the street! GET OFF THE INTERNET! Destroy the right wing!

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