Doing page proofs late into the night, working in the day, being with family in the day, keeping the lights on, the lawn mowed, the dishes cleaned, and being an artist.
It’s too much.
I broke yesterday, nearly falling asleep at one of my jobs. I had to go home early to rest. I still can barely stand up and walk around, I’m so exhausted.
It would be nice if I could get to a point where I wouldn’t have to push myself up to the edge of exhaustion every day until I break down. I’m still learning how to be married and be an artist, and it’s a challenge when people always have to negotiate space and time, and there’s already so much negotiation because bosses want space and time, too. Bill collectors demand their due, always. The only solution that looks viable is to be independently wealthy. I’m working on that, but it is not easy to win the lotteries of life.
I’ve got a story in the latest Asimov’s. “Dolores, Big and Strong” is a good story, I think. Go pick one up today and see if you like it. It’s part of a novel I wrote that I have only just begun sending out into the world.
We are soil with legs, all of us. What system we build matters. I wonder, constantly, if I am a part of the solution of the world or not. Am I good soil? What do I need to do to be better soil?
The leaves break in the trees. The flowers bloom. Spring is here, and soon there will be peach blossoms, lemons hanging from the trees, and marigolds like sunlight reflected back up to sunlight. Find your peace, out there, in the springtime. Don’t work so hard.