bad dreams bad dreams every night bad dreams

i have had nightmares for a few nights in a row, now. last night was the worst. i dreamt that i had been offered the chance to go back to high school, and do it all over again (which is bad enough!) still, i righteously decided to be positive and be a warrior for good in the past, and ignore all the bollocks high school nonsense, because i was a grown, confidant man in a boy’s body. i marched to school, proudly declaring to myself that i was going to be change. i was going to make a difference this time.
i walked up to the first ostracized kid i saw, and said a cheerful hello. i looked in to one of the worst teachers i had, a couch of some sort of sport, who had often simmered a little homophobia from the edges of his mouth. it was catholic school in the early nineties in central texas, so that was par for the course, and evidence indicates it remains so. not me, though. i was going to be a force for good. i was going to bravely stand up for the rights and humanity of the people around me. i knew better.
so i did exactly that, as class was shuffling in to the desks for another hour of meaningless “education” in texas history or health or something ridiculous and ridiculously unhelpful to me as an adult, freethinking, reading, writing, human citizen. he was offended, and turned away from the class to stop one of the students from coming into the class and quickly, cleanly sliced the young man’s throat.
the kid he killed had been acting gay.
we screamed. we howled. he was the authority. he said the boy was acting gay and we had to take it. we had to sit down and go on with our class like it hadn’t happened at all.
this isn’t the worst dream i’ve had these few nights.
they’ve all had this same pattern, where i start down this difficult path, decide to do my best, and try my best, and make the best of things, and then something unspeakable happens to slaughter the cheerful mood.
i expect i’ll be staying up very late tonight, trying to still my mind, and find something better to dream about. i don’t want to sleep right now. i don’t want to dream.
tell me your bad dreams. what is the worst dream you’ve had. in speaking of them, there is power over them. 

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